~D. Moskowitz
Swan Song
He’s going to die today
I can see it
in the set of his shoulders
(high and tight
like dad used to be
a straight bar of muscle and bone
that makes him look
like the man he is
instead of the kid I remember)
the way he walks
(deliberately slow
like he’s memorizing the feel
of booted feet on soil)
what he says
(goodbyes that barely sound like it
admonitions he knows I’ll ignore
pats on the back that hit
just a little too hard)
Tomorrow we go out
all four of us ranged out
in an alley
the goodbyes more obvious this time
the laughter forced
smiles like razors
(I’m bleeding on the inside
so is he
common knowledge
really
but we don’t do anything
to stop it)
he leaves me then
in that cold alley in Detroit
eyes dead
but corpse still going
dancing along to the devil’s tune
I find him again in a cemetery
or at least his body
(not just him
two of them
strung up like puppets
lost to me
and each other)
and somehow
someway
after he destroys everything else I have left
he comes back to me
just a flicker
enough to turn around
to fall
to drag himself down
and leave me behind
I quiet like your writing style and the manner in which you tell the story (“He’s going to die today/I can see it/in the set of his shoulders”), however, I’m afraid that I’m having trouble figuring out who the persona of the poem is.
Also, as others have said, I feel that some of the punctuation or lack thereof, at points, causes the poem to be a bit jumbled and confused, such as in: “Tomorrow we go out/all four of us ranged out/in an alley/the goodbyes more obvious this time/the laughter forced/smiles like razors”).
Overall, I think that you have a good style and what seems to be a solid idea, but you need to be a bit more specific to help get your idea across.
The main complaint I have is that it has a lot of run-on sentences that make it hard to read at times. I think that you could do a lot with it if you put in some punctuation. But there is a lot of strong imagery helps to accomplish the mood of the poem.
I like the feel and flow of the poem, and the line breaks are really good, but (and I may be entirely alone on this) I wasn’t aware of whose persona this is, if there is a specific person, character, etc. you had in mind. Other than that I like it, but the use of parentheses in your last poem seemed unique and special. Using them again takes away from that a bit.
I think this poem is really cool, i like the way you interrupt the narrative to add side notes and descriptions, which creates a really interesting flow to the poem. Your word choice and images were also strong, and evoke strong emotions. While I like the vagueness of the poem, I have to admit I’m not exactly sure how he died or why or what it symbolizes. Overall, great job, though.
I like the use of parenthetical thought as a way to add extra information without being confusing. Although the speaker says “pats on the back that hit/
just a little too hard” under the section “what he says.” To me, that didn’t belong there because that was action, not something he said.
I also like the structure, but I agree with the other commentator that it does lend itself to confusion. Have you considered making each stanza one complete grammatical sentence? The lack of punctuation works well within the parenthesis because they sound more like thoughts, but having the sentence they’re buried in complete and grammatical could give the poem a stronger structure for the reader.
The structure is unique, but I think some use of punctuation could really help emphasize pauses which can help the poem a bit more. The use of parenthesis to indicate thought is good, though some lines could start with a capital letter in them.